starshine-greeting

First of all, sorry for the lack of posting on my part for the past two weeks, my original plan was to post at least once each and every week, so that I could kind of create a little outlet for myself. The main goal for my section was to create a space where I could recollect turning points in my relationships or lack there of, but I was kind of hoping for a normal amount of action, that way I could keep up and my segment on this site would line up properly and chronologically and I wouldn’t have to rush to keep things current. That was obviously not the case. A lot has changed in the 3 weeks since I wrote my first post, so this post is going to ask as a way of catching up, and putting some of that drama to rest so that I hopefully don’t have to think about it much after this.

The problem when you are writing from experience is that you have to be prepared to share the negative parts too, and as much as I hoped that I would be able to keep everything light, and mainly positive perspectives of how I grew from such experiences, I’m still currently unclear of how this experience helped me grow at all. As we all know I was seeing X, a man with a pandora’s box for a heart. It looked beautiful when it was closed, but once he grew attached to me and opened his heart it turned into one of the scariest experiences in my life so far. I have a past of abuse, but it has always been a slow build up, coming out of  nowhere, undetectable. But with X, I saw every single warning sign and red flag. I saw every single attempt of manipulation, some failed, some successful, but for some reason I felt stuck. We had only been seeing each other for a month and a half or so, and yet I still felt like I owed him the benefit of the doubt.

He did a really good job of making himself hate-able. When the break up itself happened, I had to do it over text because I was actually terrified to be near him. Over the span of that night he flip-flopped back and forth from begging for me to take him back, to insane rage, where he called me some of the meanest things I had ever been called, like a fat ugly bitch and worse, and even went as far as to say that if I did not deserve all the abuse I had endured in my past relationship, then I definitely did now. I feel like he might not have actually meant that as a threat, but when he said it, it instilled certain fear in me. I never wanted to see him again, but I was definitely still conflicted some how. Even now almost a month later I feel like if he wasn’t blocked on all platforms, and could message me I would maybe take him back, and that scares the ever-living shit out of me. Whats going on in my head that I would actually let myself go back to someone like that.

So as a form of self-preservation, I reached out to my loved ones. I leaned on Persephone and Kitten, I told my mom everything, and I told my best friends. I couldn’t tell M, he never knew that I was even seeing someone but I’m sure that if he found out he would have gotten himself into some trouble defending my honour, as he has always been so good at. I reached out for help as a way of solidifying how awful he was. I knew that if I told everyone what he had said or done, then if I ever did get to a point where I might go back to him, deep in my mind I knew that all of those people who helped me would keep me out of it. I told everyone as a way to saving myself from self sabotage. Multiple times before I blocked him, he had begged for forgiveness, saying we could forget about it all and start over. But the people that love me most would never forget that, even if I could bury it and pretend its fine.

Upon reaching out to my mom, I also asked her to contact my father to see if he could help find me a therapist. It was really eye-opening in a more ways than one:

1. Shows how far I have come from my abusive situation prior where I was forced into therapy.

2. Shows that despite my awful relationship with my father, he dropped everything and found me a counsellor, and paid for it.

3. Showed me that despite how much my mom dislikes my dad, she sacrificed her comfort to contact him for me.

4. Showed me just how much I actually needed a therapist.

The main thing that my first session of therapy has helped me with was lining up everything chronologically. My therapist is a kind irish woman who didn’t hesitate to tell me that some of the stuff I had been through was just plain “fucked”. She knew exactly what kind of direction I needed, she wasn’t preachy, she didn’t try to push medications on me. She was pretty real, and she gave me a lot to go home and think about. The homework she sent me away with was to send him a very business-style professional message saying that it would be the last contact  he would get from me, and to block him from every platform. She told me that I need to take a vacation but Halloween was such a busy time for the vintage clothing store that I work for so it would not have been possible in any way to leave. My mom wanted me to come back home with her, she lives in a little farm town about an hour away from the city I live in, and as much as I would have loved spending that time with her, I really just needed to keep myself busy here, so I politely declined. That however didn’t stop her from calling me to make sure I was safe and okay ever 3 hours, which may have been a bit much, but warmed my heart none-the-less.

At the beginning of this post I mentioned that I didn’t think that there was any kind of positive message to take away from this experience, and now that it is written down, the positive growth is pretty obvious. It its abundantly clear that the underlying message is that no matter how stuck you feel, or how trapped you might convince yourself that you are, you are not a tree. You can get up and move and change things. You don’t have to endure pain inflicted on you purely by other people, mental or physical, and no one should ever expect you to. I also take away this amazing feeling of having a support system for once in my life, a network of close people who love me and want to see me happy. People that drop everything and run to the scene of the crime. People that will overcome obstacles to help me.

Sometimes it takes a negative situation like this to show you that you are in fact surrounded by love, and that you are immensely cared for.

Current Mood: Relieved
Currently Watching: Scream Queens on Netflix
Currently Listening to: Pillow Fight Club -Nova

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