starshine-greeting
A lot can change in 4 months; that’s apparent to me now. 4 months ago if you had of asked me where I thought I would be in October, I would have said living with my boyfriend of almost 3 years, working the same job, just coasting by. Little did I know that my life would change so much in just a matter of days.

He was my best friend, we had been close before we even moved in together, and then naturally we started having feelings for each other, and almost 3 years later we were making it work. We had our struggles, we lost our connection around the 2 year mark, and we just kind of started dwindling. It was a mutual thing for sure, we were both so unhappy, and one day I came home after a night of drinking and just told him I couldn’t do it anymore. The next morning we talked it over and agreed that it was just not working. We agreed that it was more than reasonable if we stayed in our three bedroom place and just kind of rearranged things. So far it’s been working, we’re both moving on, myself faster than him, but we’re both doing better than ever.

I feel like everyone on the outside looking in is only seeing an awful girl who broke up with a man for selfish reasons so that she could jump on dating apps right away for random hook ups. But that is not the case. No. I had been out of love for so long, and I had not been allowed to meet anyone new. I craved new connections and so I was not just jumping in looking for casual partners. I was looking for friends. I was looking for new experiences. I was looking for someone, anyone that would listen to me or pay me the slightest bit of attention.

I wanted…no I needed time to rediscover myself, to find the girl I used to be before all of the abuse and unhealthy past relationships. I want to be that girl again. So I told everyone my intentions. I told everyone that I talked to that I wasn’t looking for anything serious or long-term. But somehow X snuck his way into my life, and dubbed himself my boyfriend. I don’t have the heart to tell him that it will never work. He wants kids and I opt for never having them. He wants to be the breadwinner, I want to be a lady boss. He wants me to blow him all the time, and I just want to be on top. I could go on and on, but as of this very second, I know that we are never going to work. If not because of all the disconnections, or because of our tastes in entertainment being just too different, then most likely because my heart is simply in someone else’s corner. My heart belongs to M.

Current Mood: Indifferent
Currently Watching: Joy (On Netflix)
Currently Listening to: Tame Impala- Feels Like We Only Go Backwards

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